SHIPMATE
Autumn 2018
ATTENTION ALL MEMBERS
Due to changes in the Data Protection Act it is imperative that you as Members, read the Privacy Policy AND the explanation regarding the new GDPA regulations. These can be found in the below or included with this copy
Autumn 2018
ATTENTION ALL MEMBERS
Due to changes in the Data Protection Act it is imperative that you as Members, read the Privacy Policy AND the explanation regarding the new GDPA regulations. These can be found in the below or included with this copy
HMS Collingwood Data Protection
On May 25th 2018 the law governing Data Protection changed.
To ensure our Association is within this new law we have to inform you of how we use and store your data and give you the opportunity to change or delete your information. This is the data you provided on joining the Association.
You need do nothing unless you wish to change your personal data.
However, you must read the information below.
The Association will take great care of your data and makes the following commitment.
> The Association will always keep your data securely.
>Your data will be kept inside the Association and never shared.
>The Association will only communicate with you in the ways you
wish, as stated when you joined.
> The Association will ensure anything sent to you is relevant to the Association, it's
product and services.
> The Association will only analyse your data to communicate with you more effectively,
so better to understand your preferences and ability to support the Association.
> A full copy of the HMS Collingwood Association Privacy Statement is available to you
via the web site and 'Shipmate' magazine. Please ensure that you are familiar with its contents.
> The Association assumes that any personal data held is correct at this time.
> The Association will make sure that you stay in control of your information. Your data can be
changed or deleted at anytime at your request.
SHOULD YOU REQUIRE TO MAKE CHANGES OR TO OPT OUT OF COMMUNICATIONS, PLEASE CONTACT
Peter Lacey -Membership Secretary or Roger Birkett -Web Manager with your request.
If we don't hear from you we will assume you are content with the data we already have and the protection in place.
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Today's riddle for seniors... Here is the situation:
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed
On your right side is a sharp drop-off.
On your left side is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is a jumping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get off the merry-go-round and go home, you silly old bugger!
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You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed
On your right side is a sharp drop-off.
On your left side is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is a jumping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get off the merry-go-round and go home, you silly old bugger!
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EDITORIAL BLURB
It has taken time to produce this issue following on from the last AGM in Bournemouth.
Where to start ?
My first input is to announce a new Vice Chairman - Derek Moore. Derek stepped manfully forward to fill the vacancy and to help Don continue as Chairman following the departure of Mike Crowe. I believe he will bring his knowledge of the Association and its rules to the meetings.He has been in the Association almost
if, not since, it's inception. Indeed one of his photo's is of the first meeting and he has been drinking since!
He and Viv ,his wife, have been at all the reunions that I know of.
Input 2. The notice on the front about data protection is important as it is now law. I have put Peter Lacey and myself down as Data Manager until one can be voted in during next reunion.
Input 3. During the reunion much talk was made on a new constitution so Don,and others have produced a copy of which will be available on the web site {under AGM} and a printed version sent with the printed Shipmate after being given approval at the next ( 2019) reunion.
Input 4. Peter has been chasing IoW Tours for a reunion date for next year. To date we are still working
on it.
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Where to start ?
My first input is to announce a new Vice Chairman - Derek Moore. Derek stepped manfully forward to fill the vacancy and to help Don continue as Chairman following the departure of Mike Crowe. I believe he will bring his knowledge of the Association and its rules to the meetings.He has been in the Association almost
if, not since, it's inception. Indeed one of his photo's is of the first meeting and he has been drinking since!
He and Viv ,his wife, have been at all the reunions that I know of.
Input 2. The notice on the front about data protection is important as it is now law. I have put Peter Lacey and myself down as Data Manager until one can be voted in during next reunion.
Input 3. During the reunion much talk was made on a new constitution so Don,and others have produced a copy of which will be available on the web site {under AGM} and a printed version sent with the printed Shipmate after being given approval at the next ( 2019) reunion.
Input 4. Peter has been chasing IoW Tours for a reunion date for next year. To date we are still working
on it.
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CROSSED THE BAR
Name List Date
Edward ' Bungy' Edwards 1 January 2018
David Hughes 2 January 2018
Dennis 'Danny' Daniels 3 21st July 2017
Alfred 'Alf' Waddington 4 11th April 2017
Bryan Corbin 10 18th June 2017
Stuart 'Mick' Ross 19 16th Febuary 2018
WE WILL REMEMBER THEM
Edward ' Bungy' Edwards 1 January 2018
David Hughes 2 January 2018
Dennis 'Danny' Daniels 3 21st July 2017
Alfred 'Alf' Waddington 4 11th April 2017
Bryan Corbin 10 18th June 2017
Stuart 'Mick' Ross 19 16th Febuary 2018
WE WILL REMEMBER THEM
The following article was supplied by S/M Geoff Goat.. I have copied it from the letter he supplied ----
A Busmans Holiday
On completion of my 7 and 5 with the Royal Navy I joined the Post Office as a postman. Every week " The Post Office Gazette" was published with all manner of information and jobs. One week there was an add for all ex service personnel to enroll in the Royal Naval Postal Reserve.I made enquiries and completed an application form and in due course was called for an interview and medical at HMS President. Eventually I got called to do two weeks training in the handling of forces mail at the Forces Home Postal Depot at Mill Hill, working with the RE (PCS). My two weeks were spent learning the sorting of routing of Army, Navy and RAF personal mail all over the world.
Over the next three years, my two weeks reserve training were spent either at Mill Hill or at HMS Raleigh, learning more about forces mail handling and a" general introduction to the Royal Navy".
During these two weeks training we were issued our naval uniform and kit.
Having now completed my training with the RE (PCS) and the Navy I would be sent with a team of RNPR personell to take over and work offices and counters for two weeks whilst the regular Army PCS went away on exercises.
The main mail centers in Germany where Hanover and Dusseldorf These were the two HQ's we were sent to and some of the team were put to operating the mail rooms and PO counters in British bases throughout Germany.
There was also the chance that we might get sent to Gib or the Falklands.
The beauty of this two week training was you got your Post Office pay and depending what rate you were in the RNPR that pay also. You did however have to lose two days annual leave from the Post Office.
We also handled mails from forces personnel sending back to their families in the uk.
Geoff Goat
CPO RNPS
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A Busmans Holiday
On completion of my 7 and 5 with the Royal Navy I joined the Post Office as a postman. Every week " The Post Office Gazette" was published with all manner of information and jobs. One week there was an add for all ex service personnel to enroll in the Royal Naval Postal Reserve.I made enquiries and completed an application form and in due course was called for an interview and medical at HMS President. Eventually I got called to do two weeks training in the handling of forces mail at the Forces Home Postal Depot at Mill Hill, working with the RE (PCS). My two weeks were spent learning the sorting of routing of Army, Navy and RAF personal mail all over the world.
Over the next three years, my two weeks reserve training were spent either at Mill Hill or at HMS Raleigh, learning more about forces mail handling and a" general introduction to the Royal Navy".
During these two weeks training we were issued our naval uniform and kit.
Having now completed my training with the RE (PCS) and the Navy I would be sent with a team of RNPR personell to take over and work offices and counters for two weeks whilst the regular Army PCS went away on exercises.
The main mail centers in Germany where Hanover and Dusseldorf These were the two HQ's we were sent to and some of the team were put to operating the mail rooms and PO counters in British bases throughout Germany.
There was also the chance that we might get sent to Gib or the Falklands.
The beauty of this two week training was you got your Post Office pay and depending what rate you were in the RNPR that pay also. You did however have to lose two days annual leave from the Post Office.
We also handled mails from forces personnel sending back to their families in the uk.
Geoff Goat
CPO RNPS
4
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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and sat down on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said,
"What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink; dat vould not be proper."
The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"
Now, that's a businessman!
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said,
"What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink; dat vould not be proper."
The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"
Now, that's a businessman!
5
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As Geoff was the only one to send anything for Shipmate I'll have to enter something of mine -- again!!!!
The Far East 65 - 67.
At the age of 17 it was decided that I should join HMS Triumph as part of the Singapore FMG and so as HMS Tiger sailed from Newcastle I stood on the quayside with kit bag, holdall and flying toolkit plus travel docs and rail warrant.
I found my way via British Rail, RAF Hendon -having been escorted from the shower block by the RAF police as you should not walk outside the huts in only a towel as you are in view of the WAAF's quarters !!- and on via Knightsbridge air terminal to Paya Leba in Singapore.
The Triumph was anchored between the Naval Base and Jahore Baru in Malaya. It was the maintenance
facility for ships of frigate size and above. The Hartland Point was there to look after subs and was superseded by the Forth. The Mull of Kintyre looked after 'sweepers down to patrol boats. We used to have them all then - remember?
I met up with a friend I joined up with (we even caught the same train from Preston) and we went to Sambewang to Teddies Bar and onto Nee Soon ( no longer there) whilst he introduced me to Tiger Beer.
At that time we were engaged jn what was called a 'Confrontation' with Indonesia and also gun-running and smuggling. We patrolled the upperdeck during the night to guard against divers and small craft.
The smuggling was defended by our WE branch ie being on a PAS boat with an Aldis lamp to shine on the jungle looking for 'baddies'. I had the radio ( Call sign Fish 1) and a Singaporean cop with a Smith and Wesson .38 - oh and a bag meal!. The crew made a great curry and the fish got the sarnie.
When the Indonesian problem got solved we managed to float off the beer cans and went to discover other bits of the Far East.
We went to Hong Kong a few times and to Fremantle and Thailand. We were too big to get up to Bangkok so we stayed in a hotel ( complete with large pool) and went on trips including one to the River Kwai Bridge and a visit to Kanchanaburi cemetery- all organized by the padre. If only he knew what the head bellboy could provide.
Back in Singapore we spent some weekends borrowing an on duty RA's car and driving to Longbong Falls and Repulse Bay with a boot full of Tiger and some 'smallie eats'.
That'll do for now. Will finish next edition. A few photos to follow.
The Far East 65 - 67.
At the age of 17 it was decided that I should join HMS Triumph as part of the Singapore FMG and so as HMS Tiger sailed from Newcastle I stood on the quayside with kit bag, holdall and flying toolkit plus travel docs and rail warrant.
I found my way via British Rail, RAF Hendon -having been escorted from the shower block by the RAF police as you should not walk outside the huts in only a towel as you are in view of the WAAF's quarters !!- and on via Knightsbridge air terminal to Paya Leba in Singapore.
The Triumph was anchored between the Naval Base and Jahore Baru in Malaya. It was the maintenance
facility for ships of frigate size and above. The Hartland Point was there to look after subs and was superseded by the Forth. The Mull of Kintyre looked after 'sweepers down to patrol boats. We used to have them all then - remember?
I met up with a friend I joined up with (we even caught the same train from Preston) and we went to Sambewang to Teddies Bar and onto Nee Soon ( no longer there) whilst he introduced me to Tiger Beer.
At that time we were engaged jn what was called a 'Confrontation' with Indonesia and also gun-running and smuggling. We patrolled the upperdeck during the night to guard against divers and small craft.
The smuggling was defended by our WE branch ie being on a PAS boat with an Aldis lamp to shine on the jungle looking for 'baddies'. I had the radio ( Call sign Fish 1) and a Singaporean cop with a Smith and Wesson .38 - oh and a bag meal!. The crew made a great curry and the fish got the sarnie.
When the Indonesian problem got solved we managed to float off the beer cans and went to discover other bits of the Far East.
We went to Hong Kong a few times and to Fremantle and Thailand. We were too big to get up to Bangkok so we stayed in a hotel ( complete with large pool) and went on trips including one to the River Kwai Bridge and a visit to Kanchanaburi cemetery- all organized by the padre. If only he knew what the head bellboy could provide.
Back in Singapore we spent some weekends borrowing an on duty RA's car and driving to Longbong Falls and Repulse Bay with a boot full of Tiger and some 'smallie eats'.
That'll do for now. Will finish next edition. A few photos to follow.
Photos taken from slides. Triumph in HK. RAS on the way. Thailand - Kanchanaburi war cemetery and River Kwai bridge old and new. Longbong Falls - Malaya. Nee Soon New Years Day 1966 ( we zigged instead of zagging) but I wasn't driving. Frasers Hill.
Welcome to Poetry corner !
I originate from Lancashire and so this poem is written from here. Pronounce the way it is written - problems - then call me and I'll read it down the phone to you !!!
Yer a boring bugger Brenda
by Steve Morris
Yer a borin' bugger Brenda
I've said it now so theer'
I've bin wantin to gerit off me chest for nigh on 15 year
Ever since our Wedding night
When ya went to bed at nine
Wi a mug of 'Soddin' Horlicks'
An Gardiners Question Time
Yer a borin' bugger Brenda
I've never liked yer kit
Them big thick itchy tights ya wear
An' mufflers that ya knit.
I 'd a loved a spot of passion, if only once a year
Wi' a chance to dive off wardrobe
An swing from t' chandelier
Yer a borin' bugger Brenda it seems a bit unkind
But I'm glad I've found the gumption
To say wot's on mi mind
I've craved exotic travel per'aps Egypt or Assam
But all we got was Camping at Prestatyn - wi yer Mam
Yer a borin' bugger Brenda
I'm determined to break free
So i've drawn out 'alf o't savings
We 'ad in't TSB
I saw an ad in't paper sayin'
Don't live yer life in t' closet
In Thailand ya can be yersel'
So I've sent of mi deposit.
Yer a borin' bugger Brenda an I'm tryin' not to gloat
But I guess by now you've realised
Just why I've left this note
I'm goin t' swim wi dolphins
Make love beneath the stars
You get yersel' that bike yer like
Wi drop down handlebars
Yer a boring bugger Brenda
But I'll miss thi in a way
Sat'day nights in front o't box
Wi our dinners on a tray
An' that brings to mind one final thing
Be a shame to overlook
Yer a borin bugger Brenda
So I've slung mi bloody hook.
I originate from Lancashire and so this poem is written from here. Pronounce the way it is written - problems - then call me and I'll read it down the phone to you !!!
Yer a boring bugger Brenda
by Steve Morris
Yer a borin' bugger Brenda
I've said it now so theer'
I've bin wantin to gerit off me chest for nigh on 15 year
Ever since our Wedding night
When ya went to bed at nine
Wi a mug of 'Soddin' Horlicks'
An Gardiners Question Time
Yer a borin' bugger Brenda
I've never liked yer kit
Them big thick itchy tights ya wear
An' mufflers that ya knit.
I 'd a loved a spot of passion, if only once a year
Wi' a chance to dive off wardrobe
An swing from t' chandelier
Yer a borin' bugger Brenda it seems a bit unkind
But I'm glad I've found the gumption
To say wot's on mi mind
I've craved exotic travel per'aps Egypt or Assam
But all we got was Camping at Prestatyn - wi yer Mam
Yer a borin' bugger Brenda
I'm determined to break free
So i've drawn out 'alf o't savings
We 'ad in't TSB
I saw an ad in't paper sayin'
Don't live yer life in t' closet
In Thailand ya can be yersel'
So I've sent of mi deposit.
Yer a borin' bugger Brenda an I'm tryin' not to gloat
But I guess by now you've realised
Just why I've left this note
I'm goin t' swim wi dolphins
Make love beneath the stars
You get yersel' that bike yer like
Wi drop down handlebars
Yer a boring bugger Brenda
But I'll miss thi in a way
Sat'day nights in front o't box
Wi our dinners on a tray
An' that brings to mind one final thing
Be a shame to overlook
Yer a borin bugger Brenda
So I've slung mi bloody hook.
THE JOURNEY OF A MAN
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was
16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a
passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything
was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened
suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally
predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I
decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She
rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad
impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun
initially and very energetic, but directionless... So I decided to find a
girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was
16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a
passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything
was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened
suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally
predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I
decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She
rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad
impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun
initially and very energetic, but directionless... So I decided to find a
girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
I know this magazine is not as 'PC' as some would like but I wonder how many know how it came about. I was sent this to explain it.
The explanation “Goes on” a little bit but the conclusion is enlightening!
THE ORIGIN OF THE TERM "POLITICALLY CORRECT"
A testy Truman (author unknown)
This is an interesting and true story.
For the last six odd years, almost all of the things I wanted to write or say, have been stymied by that modern term referred to as 'POLITICAL CORRECTNESS'. Although I consider myself reasonably fluent in English, that term was not in my vocabulary. Curiosity got the better of me so I decided to do a little research, and after two weeks of chasing fruitless leads, I found what I'd been looking for at the Truman Library and Museum in Independence Missouri. An unnamed source there sent me copies of four telegrams between then-President Harry Truman and Gen. Douglas MacArthur on the day before the actual signing of the WWII Surrender Agreement in September 1945. The contents of those four telegrams below are exactly as received at the end of the war - not a word has been added or deleted!
(1) Tokyo,Japan
0800-September 1,1945
To: President Harry S Truman
From: General D A MacArthur
Tomorrow we meet with those yellow-bellied bastards and sign the Surrender Documents, any last minute instructions?
(2) Washington, DC
1300-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur
From: H S Truman
Congratulations, job well done, but you must tone down your obvious dislike of the Japanese when discussing the terms of the surrender with the press, because some of your remarks are fundamentally not politically correct!
(3) Tokyo, Japan
1630-September 1, 1945
To: H S Truman
From: D A MacArthur and C H Nimitz
Wilco Sir, but both Chester and I are somewhat confused, exactly what does the term politically correct mean?
(4) Washington, D C
2120-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur/C H Nimitz
From: H S Truman ;
Political Correctness is a doctrine, recently fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end!
Now, with special thanks to the Truman Museum and Harry himself, you and I finally have a full understanding of what 'POLITICAL CORRECTNESS" really means.
(Harry Truman was the President who ordered the bombing of Nagasaki and Hiroshima but stopped there!!)
The explanation “Goes on” a little bit but the conclusion is enlightening!
THE ORIGIN OF THE TERM "POLITICALLY CORRECT"
A testy Truman (author unknown)
This is an interesting and true story.
For the last six odd years, almost all of the things I wanted to write or say, have been stymied by that modern term referred to as 'POLITICAL CORRECTNESS'. Although I consider myself reasonably fluent in English, that term was not in my vocabulary. Curiosity got the better of me so I decided to do a little research, and after two weeks of chasing fruitless leads, I found what I'd been looking for at the Truman Library and Museum in Independence Missouri. An unnamed source there sent me copies of four telegrams between then-President Harry Truman and Gen. Douglas MacArthur on the day before the actual signing of the WWII Surrender Agreement in September 1945. The contents of those four telegrams below are exactly as received at the end of the war - not a word has been added or deleted!
(1) Tokyo,Japan
0800-September 1,1945
To: President Harry S Truman
From: General D A MacArthur
Tomorrow we meet with those yellow-bellied bastards and sign the Surrender Documents, any last minute instructions?
(2) Washington, DC
1300-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur
From: H S Truman
Congratulations, job well done, but you must tone down your obvious dislike of the Japanese when discussing the terms of the surrender with the press, because some of your remarks are fundamentally not politically correct!
(3) Tokyo, Japan
1630-September 1, 1945
To: H S Truman
From: D A MacArthur and C H Nimitz
Wilco Sir, but both Chester and I are somewhat confused, exactly what does the term politically correct mean?
(4) Washington, D C
2120-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur/C H Nimitz
From: H S Truman ;
Political Correctness is a doctrine, recently fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end!
Now, with special thanks to the Truman Museum and Harry himself, you and I finally have a full understanding of what 'POLITICAL CORRECTNESS" really means.
(Harry Truman was the President who ordered the bombing of Nagasaki and Hiroshima but stopped there!!)
A touching story.............
What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, my wife and I, listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.."
He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'
I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered,
'Self-raising, isn't it?'
And thus began my life of celibacy..........
