
‘The Shipmate’
The Official magazine of the HMS Collingwood Association.
Winter 2013 
UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT
PLEASE VIEW INSIDE.
DATES FOR YOUR DIARY
10th November 2013. Remembrance Parade, London.
25th December 2013- Merry Crimbo - especially to all those who have paid their subs !!
4th April 2014 - AGM & Reunion
Remembrance Day Parade.
We hope in future to get an association platoon together for the march past at the cenotaph. We have an association standard to parade. Please let us know your thoughts on this and also on any local parade you will or have attended.
AGM & Reunion. This will be held in Chatham area 4th to 7th April 2014. Accommodation will be in Coniston Hotel, Sittingbourne. A visit to Chatham dockyard is planned - this coincides with the HMS Cavaliers 70th anniversary.
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SLOPS - JACK DUSTY
A comprehensive stock of attractive items is organized and held by our new Slops Manager, Peter Edmondson. Contact him for your requirements at email 6muirfield@talktalk.net or address in committee page
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Message from the Treasurer
Once again it is that time of year when subsriptions are due.
All sub's are due on 1st January and should be sent to me at
the address below. NO CASH please cheques or postal orders
made payable to "HMS Collingwood Association". should
you wish to make a standing order the necessary form can be
obtained by contacting me.
As agreed at our last AGM anyone in arrears at the time of the
AGM will be deleted from the membership.
Dennis I Patterson. 22 Sherwood: Murton Village
Newcastle upon Tyne NE27 0LT
Email psmx903-pirate@yahoo.co.uk
Tel. 0191 2584694
Thank you, all the very best
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COMMUNICATIONS
We may be getting old, but we are trying to come to terms with and employ new technology where we can.
We will be sending emails to all those who have provided us with an address, containing what we hope will be matters of general interest about activities of the association or, if we can, any happenings in your area.
If you haven’t given us an up to date address or think we may have an incorrect one please let us know at hmscollingwood42@gmail.com
You can use this address to contact other members or to send news and articles for the magazine.
At the last AGM it was stated that the highest cost to the association was postage and that to cut this down we would try and do it electronically. To this end a copy of the latest ‘Shipmate’ will be entered on the association web site.- hmscollingwoodassociation.com. - however if you still require a printed copy please let us know.
A copy of this will be sent to those not on email and hopefully it may encourage them to join us in this High Tech world.
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COMPETITION
Please point out where you are on this photo from the early days. The winner will get a tot at the next AGM. Proof of age or bring 'a parent' may be required !!
Please point out where you are on this photo from the early days. The winner will get a tot at the next AGM. Proof of age or bring 'a parent' may be required !!
Editors musings
Hello and welcome to the ‘new’ Shipmate. I intend to produce the newsletter twice a year so would like any items of interest to be sent to me or any member of the committee via post or email for inclusion in the next issue. The new website is now launched and so is the new email address - hmscollingwood42@gmail.com.
I have recently joined the Association and accepted the post of Editor as I’ve just retired and can spend time producing the editions of Shipmate.
My name is Roger Birkett and I first joined HMS Collingwood in 1964 returning for LREM,POREL and RMechs courses plus PJT’s as required.
I live in Kirkham Lancs as my final draft was to HMS Inskip.
The last AGM was to The Sherbourne Hotel in Dorset.
This included a visit to the Fleet Air Arm museum where the AGM was held (with ‘Tot Time’ of course), and a special visit to the Historical Flight at it’s base there. The dinner dance was at the hotel and the moneys raised from the raffle went to the Atlantic Star association charity.The Atlantic Star Association was close to Tom Straitons heart and it was thought it was fitting for this donation.
Sunday started with a visit to Sherbourne Abbey where we attended the morning service and finished with an afternoon in Weymouth.
Next years is in Sittingbourne with a visit to Chatham and full supporting programme on Friday 4th to Monday 7th of April 2014. I hope to see/ meet some of you there.
I would just like to thank Brian Hooper for his past editing and compilation of the Shipmate.
Roger - valnrog@blueyonder.co.uk
Just in case - your editor is the one with binoculars and cigarette.
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The Arctic Convoy Memorial at The National Arboretum at Arlewas
Hello and welcome to the ‘new’ Shipmate. I intend to produce the newsletter twice a year so would like any items of interest to be sent to me or any member of the committee via post or email for inclusion in the next issue. The new website is now launched and so is the new email address - hmscollingwood42@gmail.com.
I have recently joined the Association and accepted the post of Editor as I’ve just retired and can spend time producing the editions of Shipmate.
My name is Roger Birkett and I first joined HMS Collingwood in 1964 returning for LREM,POREL and RMechs courses plus PJT’s as required.
I live in Kirkham Lancs as my final draft was to HMS Inskip.
The last AGM was to The Sherbourne Hotel in Dorset.
This included a visit to the Fleet Air Arm museum where the AGM was held (with ‘Tot Time’ of course), and a special visit to the Historical Flight at it’s base there. The dinner dance was at the hotel and the moneys raised from the raffle went to the Atlantic Star association charity.The Atlantic Star Association was close to Tom Straitons heart and it was thought it was fitting for this donation.
Sunday started with a visit to Sherbourne Abbey where we attended the morning service and finished with an afternoon in Weymouth.
Next years is in Sittingbourne with a visit to Chatham and full supporting programme on Friday 4th to Monday 7th of April 2014. I hope to see/ meet some of you there.
I would just like to thank Brian Hooper for his past editing and compilation of the Shipmate.
Roger - valnrog@blueyonder.co.uk
Just in case - your editor is the one with binoculars and cigarette.
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The Arctic Convoy Memorial at The National Arboretum at Arlewas
Remembering Tom & Margaret Straiton
After our late President Tom’s death, his wife Margaret instructed the Funeral Directors to forward Monies received in lieu of flowers, to the Arctic Convoy Memorial Upkeep Fund in memory of Tom’s involvement on the Arctic Convoys. Sadly Margaret herself “Crossed the Bar “only a few months later.
As some members may recall, at the 2013 AGM it was proposed
that in rememberence of our First President and his Good Lady that the proceeds of the Reunion raffle should also be donated to this worthy cause.
This was agreed and I forwarded, on behalf of the HMS Collingwood Association, the sum of £220 being the total proceeds of the rafflle to
Mrs J. Pickin and her mother Mrs P.M.Coyle, who administer the Memorial Upkeep Fund.
I have received a warm letter of thanks to the Association together with a photo of the Arctic Convoy Memorial plus a DVD of the dedication ceremony at the National Arboretum at Alrewas.
A copy of the photo is included in this edition of Shipmate and I have the DVD in the archives and can supply a copy to any members who would like one.
It will be strange not having Tom & Margaret at the reunions anymore
My lasting memory of them is, always first on the dance floor, Tom wearing his sandals guiding Margaret around the dance floor, like a stately galleon !
Rest in Peace Tom & Margaret
Ken Waugh Welfare Officer.
In the cold cold North where the ice bergs float
and the polar bears is seen
Lies many the body of Jolly Jack Tar
and 'Joey' the Royal Marine
Oh,the waves they crashed and the guns they roared
and the blood from the scuppers it poured
and that's the place where the soldiers never fought
in a million ------- wars
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After our late President Tom’s death, his wife Margaret instructed the Funeral Directors to forward Monies received in lieu of flowers, to the Arctic Convoy Memorial Upkeep Fund in memory of Tom’s involvement on the Arctic Convoys. Sadly Margaret herself “Crossed the Bar “only a few months later.
As some members may recall, at the 2013 AGM it was proposed
that in rememberence of our First President and his Good Lady that the proceeds of the Reunion raffle should also be donated to this worthy cause.
This was agreed and I forwarded, on behalf of the HMS Collingwood Association, the sum of £220 being the total proceeds of the rafflle to
Mrs J. Pickin and her mother Mrs P.M.Coyle, who administer the Memorial Upkeep Fund.
I have received a warm letter of thanks to the Association together with a photo of the Arctic Convoy Memorial plus a DVD of the dedication ceremony at the National Arboretum at Alrewas.
A copy of the photo is included in this edition of Shipmate and I have the DVD in the archives and can supply a copy to any members who would like one.
It will be strange not having Tom & Margaret at the reunions anymore
My lasting memory of them is, always first on the dance floor, Tom wearing his sandals guiding Margaret around the dance floor, like a stately galleon !
Rest in Peace Tom & Margaret
Ken Waugh Welfare Officer.
In the cold cold North where the ice bergs float
and the polar bears is seen
Lies many the body of Jolly Jack Tar
and 'Joey' the Royal Marine
Oh,the waves they crashed and the guns they roared
and the blood from the scuppers it poured
and that's the place where the soldiers never fought
in a million ------- wars
==========================================================================================================
During the past 18 months Mike Crowe has mailed various newspapers throughout the country giving information about the Association with various results, one of which is tying this! Below is just one result.
Dear Peter,
We don't often see letters in our local Derbyshire newspaper (Ripley & Heanor News) about the Royal Navy, and the one about Collingwood specifically must be the first.
I joined the RN in November 1965 as an assistant cook, and after my training in Pembroke, I joined the wardroom galley in HMS Collingwood under Chief Cook Tony Fellows in March 1966.
It was more than two years later when I left the establishment to fly from Gatwick to join HMS Devonshire in Hong Kong.
I loved Collingwood, and the chefs I worked with were all highly skilled and keen. Lieutenant John Locke was my DO and it was he who put me on the track to Dartmouth and my commission almost nine years later. The team I worked with, which included stewards and civilian wardroom attendants, fed hundreds of officers every day, and the social functions for 600 or more were phenomenal. Formal Mess Dinners occurred regularly, but Summer Balls, Ladies' Nights and cocktail parties were more fun.
The galley had its fair share of characters, but Petty Officer Cook Ron Goodhall was quite horrible to the "new boy" who was treated as guilty of anything that went wrong anywhere. I only asked him where an item was once, because he replied that I should take a seat while he looked for it for me! Closely followed by a string of fine naval language.
A junior chef, Ian Bradley, joined, and miraculously I became Ron Goodhall's best friend! Bradley became public enemy number one, but not just with Goodhall. On a day when it was his turn to clean our mess room after our lunch, he washed and scrubbed the rum fanny! He washed the rum fanny that had a thousand years' worth of priceless patina built up inside. He was 17 and not even allowed to touch it. He could
have died that day, and never been seen again!
George Gale was a short stocky civilian WRA who was ex-RN. He told fabulous stories of war-time service, but every so often, during a quiet mid-afternoon he would stand stock-still - thumbs down the seams of his trousers - and call out:
"Pay attention the class!
The last class all passed,
The last class were all arse.
If I don't get any arse out of this class,
No bastard will pass!
The last class gave me a gold watch,
This class gives me the f.....g shits!
Now pick up your kit bags and march.
Left, right, left, right."
Not acceptable these days, but funny then, and memorable. I can still see and hear him almost fifty years later.
Colin Hubbard, an Able Cook, made a big mistake when he gave some cheek to Leading Cook Pete Hawthorne one afternoon. I don't know what was said, but something was shouted that made Colin run at full speed through the galley. He made a sharp left turn for the door to the orchard, but not sharp enough to avoid the tin of pears that hit him at the back of the neck. He was less cheeky after that!
My draft to Devonshire was almost put in jeopardy by something that happened to me early one morning, when I was the first person to arrive in the galley. It was 5:30-ish and I turned on the main gas valve and with a lit wax taper went to light the pilot lights to the large bank of ovens. I didn't hear the explosion as I stuck the taper through the hole on a bottom oven, but other people did. The blast blew open the drop-down oven door which struck my left leg with such force from a few inches away, that a round chrome bar handle made a hole in my trousers. The fire singed my hair and eyebrows, and bits of rust and shale were embedded in my arm. The short sleeve of my white T-shirt was expanded by the rush of hot air to a size bigger than my cap. Happy days! But I limped to the sickbay with blood dripping from my fingers, had the damage cleaned up, and never heard anything more about it. Whoever had turned off the gas the previous night didn't do each oven before turning off the main valve. I limped from my billet to the galley for a month afterwards, but was fit enough to join my next ship.
Collingwood was good to me. The guys I met, with their love of food, gave me the same enthusiasm, which has lasted to this day.
Good luck with you association and future meetings.
Mal Harper
From my iPad
I'm sure more will arrive and will be printed in Shipmate.
Dear Peter,
We don't often see letters in our local Derbyshire newspaper (Ripley & Heanor News) about the Royal Navy, and the one about Collingwood specifically must be the first.
I joined the RN in November 1965 as an assistant cook, and after my training in Pembroke, I joined the wardroom galley in HMS Collingwood under Chief Cook Tony Fellows in March 1966.
It was more than two years later when I left the establishment to fly from Gatwick to join HMS Devonshire in Hong Kong.
I loved Collingwood, and the chefs I worked with were all highly skilled and keen. Lieutenant John Locke was my DO and it was he who put me on the track to Dartmouth and my commission almost nine years later. The team I worked with, which included stewards and civilian wardroom attendants, fed hundreds of officers every day, and the social functions for 600 or more were phenomenal. Formal Mess Dinners occurred regularly, but Summer Balls, Ladies' Nights and cocktail parties were more fun.
The galley had its fair share of characters, but Petty Officer Cook Ron Goodhall was quite horrible to the "new boy" who was treated as guilty of anything that went wrong anywhere. I only asked him where an item was once, because he replied that I should take a seat while he looked for it for me! Closely followed by a string of fine naval language.
A junior chef, Ian Bradley, joined, and miraculously I became Ron Goodhall's best friend! Bradley became public enemy number one, but not just with Goodhall. On a day when it was his turn to clean our mess room after our lunch, he washed and scrubbed the rum fanny! He washed the rum fanny that had a thousand years' worth of priceless patina built up inside. He was 17 and not even allowed to touch it. He could
have died that day, and never been seen again!
George Gale was a short stocky civilian WRA who was ex-RN. He told fabulous stories of war-time service, but every so often, during a quiet mid-afternoon he would stand stock-still - thumbs down the seams of his trousers - and call out:
"Pay attention the class!
The last class all passed,
The last class were all arse.
If I don't get any arse out of this class,
No bastard will pass!
The last class gave me a gold watch,
This class gives me the f.....g shits!
Now pick up your kit bags and march.
Left, right, left, right."
Not acceptable these days, but funny then, and memorable. I can still see and hear him almost fifty years later.
Colin Hubbard, an Able Cook, made a big mistake when he gave some cheek to Leading Cook Pete Hawthorne one afternoon. I don't know what was said, but something was shouted that made Colin run at full speed through the galley. He made a sharp left turn for the door to the orchard, but not sharp enough to avoid the tin of pears that hit him at the back of the neck. He was less cheeky after that!
My draft to Devonshire was almost put in jeopardy by something that happened to me early one morning, when I was the first person to arrive in the galley. It was 5:30-ish and I turned on the main gas valve and with a lit wax taper went to light the pilot lights to the large bank of ovens. I didn't hear the explosion as I stuck the taper through the hole on a bottom oven, but other people did. The blast blew open the drop-down oven door which struck my left leg with such force from a few inches away, that a round chrome bar handle made a hole in my trousers. The fire singed my hair and eyebrows, and bits of rust and shale were embedded in my arm. The short sleeve of my white T-shirt was expanded by the rush of hot air to a size bigger than my cap. Happy days! But I limped to the sickbay with blood dripping from my fingers, had the damage cleaned up, and never heard anything more about it. Whoever had turned off the gas the previous night didn't do each oven before turning off the main valve. I limped from my billet to the galley for a month afterwards, but was fit enough to join my next ship.
Collingwood was good to me. The guys I met, with their love of food, gave me the same enthusiasm, which has lasted to this day.
Good luck with you association and future meetings.
Mal Harper
From my iPad
I'm sure more will arrive and will be printed in Shipmate.
A Couple of 'Funnies'
You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old - George Burns
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Nelson at Trafalgar 2013
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): " 'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it - full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 10 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, the lash and sodomy?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "Well in that case................... Kiss me, Hardy." _
Britain's New Navy
The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.
Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, health and safety, and human rights laws.
The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24 hours a day and each ship will have its own industrial tribunal.
The crew ratio will be 50/50 men and women, balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexual preference and disability. Sailors will have to work only a maximum of 37 hours a week in line with Brussels Health and Safety rules, even in wartime. All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the fleet, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and ratings' messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "rum, sodomy and the lash", so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced with sparkling water. Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only on request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavours except Capstan Full Strength.
Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist, and is to be replaced by the more informal "Hello Sailor". All information on noticeboards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches, and this applies equally to women crew members.
The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The Union Flag has already been discarded.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque, who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will glide gently into the water as the band of the Royal Marines plays "In The Navy" by The Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the Channel from France to ports on England's south coast.
The Prime Minister said "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels".
His final words were "Britannia waives the rules"
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Following the last AGM a visit to our Alma Mater was made. We were well looked after and were shown around the establishment with lunch in the wardroom and coffee and tea provided for 'stand easy'.
We were taken in groups to the instructional section and shown the Phalanx gun, the ship launched torpedo and to the 'Battle' simulator where people (we had ladies with us) had a chance to 'fire' a GPMG at anything and everything on the screen. (My grandson would have loved it!!)
This, again, was supplied by Mike Crowe Enterprises.
The establishment has changed out of all recognition - the photo on the first page will indicate that - and now encompasses what used to be Dryad, Vernon and Mercury. It appears that training is now quite brief and you return for further as required. It's a whole new navy!
'A fine bunch of men'- and women. Taken on the wardroom patio of those who could attend. Also 'Fire on the uprole' - in the simulator with "a nice young man".
That's all for this edition but a new one will be out in the new year. It will contain more photo's and stories so please keep sendind them to my address or via the email.
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND ALL THE BEST FOR 2014 FROM MYSELF AND ALL THE COMMITTEE!!
That's all for this edition but a new one will be out in the new year. It will contain more photo's and stories so please keep sendind them to my address or via the email.
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND ALL THE BEST FOR 2014 FROM MYSELF AND ALL THE COMMITTEE!!
